…I don’t know why mentally I repeat it all this again and again. Actually, I already decided everything for myself. Today I won’t be. As usual, I will leave a note that, they say, in death I ask you not to blame anyone and all that. In the second drawer of my table since last Sunday, almost half a glass of Dimedrola tablets lies – he hesitated from almost seven packs. Let her be sour when he finds out. Of course, I understand that actually she is on the shoulder, and even this pimple on the chin – well, after all, I will soon grow up! And she does not understand… But I told her so… Ah, well, all this!
It started completely not bad. Our company then gathered in the basement, puffed up in cards. Then the vylda brought the bottle, still sat, and then they overwhelmed the bull and Bacillus (they always go together) and brought two girls – Olga and Lariska. Well, they used to catch and cited someone. At one time, they often arranged here "theater" – This is what ours call it. Last year I was here in the eighth "B" Such Tanka, everything with Petka Nosyaty walked. And then he gave it to everyone – tired, see. So, she will be dragged there, everyone will be darkened through the pipes, smoke, the muzon is cut off – in high, and they say to her: undress, and not that, they say, we’ll beat and mother about everything we will tell. Well, she, of course, is scary, undresses. Then funny things begin. She did not refuse anyone to anyone – where can you get? Then her relatives, however, moved somewhere, and she too. And in "Theater" It was the closing of the season. So in such cases I am taught everything. And these – Olga and Lariska – were blown up into cards, and we have strictly with this – well, they brought them to pay. The girls were poured in a glass. Olga is the same business, such a business, and says at once:
– So, guys. Everyone so that at once, only quickly, in turn, and without any things there…
Well, the bull seemed to nod, and then Bacillus jumped up:
– NO-e! So it won’t work! You lost at a time, and the second is more! So not a fig to hose, you, – this is Lariska – he must two twice…
– Two?!!! – Lariska jumped up, ”you went! I just lost nothing…
Then the bull intervened:
– Stop basic! Well, the second time you will not be with everyone, but only with one – whom you yourself choose. Tomorrow. Goes? – He clearly worked for the public;I thought, probably, that he would break off. The bull looked around. Disagreed, of course, was not. There were five of us, except for youngsters who were not supposed to.
– Let’s go! – And he pulled off his T -shirt.
…Olga was black so thick in the upper part. As undressed, the bull immediately on it – it was out of the after. She even stuck her forehead hair, and Kolyun came closer – he had not yet seen enough. Well, then everything is as always – the rest look, giggled, tips give. Gorobobrina is engaged in masturbation – he moved away and thinks, a fool, no one sees! I looked, looked, and then my turn came (I was the penultimate), but something I had seen enough that I just started, as it all ended. Grinded a little more for decency and tears. (Olga, I did not do it at all, it’s all about Lariska). And then I don’t believe my ears – she chose me! For tomorrow that is. The bull looked at me so that I have a voice oxric. Then they dispersed, all the way… And I did not find all the places all evening and the next day. Really, I think she liked me with something? And he remembered everything, how thin, long -legged she was, on her arms and legs a light fluff, and… Well, I liked it very much.
The next day, as agreed, I met with her on the corner, at her house when she came from school, (I dumped from the puree even earlier). And went to her – just a mother was at work, but she has no dad. They have nothing at home: two rooms, like mine, but the furniture is cool, the visa is worth. Rich. I offered to drink to me. Yes, not borrows, and not even vodka, but a banana liquor. I say, I don’t know, I have never tried. And she replies that nonsense, they say, mother in a restaurant "Baltic" works, or let’s drink coffee? And a sandwich with a delicious sausage gave me. Why is she, I think. Well, then the conversation came out:
– You are not very burning with me…?
– No, – I answer, – actually, not very. And what?
– You see, ”he says,“ after your yesterday’s berths, I still ache…
– so what?
– Yes, of course, once promised, so…, But maybe the next day we will postpone? Only this will say that everything is in order, otherwise what else…
– Okay, – I say, – come on someday another time if you want… – She was delighted, even to look differently.
– You, – says, – the most wonderful guy of all I know!
I even hugged me at the end, I also said that then it was necessary, and all that. And since then I have been dragging on her so…
Well, what is it there, not so bad. At first it was great, she sometimes took me to films all kinds of where they didn’t let me. I invited my birthday. To my mother, we were spent once in a restaurant – PBALLIDAR. True, sometimes she somehow bought up, she was silent, but she carried me so much that it was just not clear even – what I did to her? Once, after we went to the cinema, I stayed with her – my mother was in the night shift. By that time, we were always together with her. I stopped going to the basement, especially since the bull was refueling there, and after that case he would have paid off me somehow. She was so glad when I, coming from a campaign or from a summer house, called the door. She said that she was bored without me that she has no one closer, and all that. Well, we had dinner, then she put the filmer. She looks, but as if she sees nothing – how she thought. I take her hand, and her hands are all wet. He pulls his hand, "dont touch me" – yells. Well, we still sat, the film is over, it seems that it calmed down. And he says that the main character to her dad looks like her. Not for his own (he fled for a long time, she does not want to know him), but on his stepfather, that he lived with his mother. She now sometimes goes to him, although she divorced her mother a year ago – now he has a new wife. He is younger than a mother, and the designer himself in furniture. He has a workshop, and all that. But he will not contrase with his mother, and Lariska goes to him secretly from his mother. And about gifts he says that a girlfriend sells and also asks his mother’s money. Well, she does not refuse her anything at all, but she doesn’t let him in.
– This is because I love him very much, – says Lariska.
– But she doesn’t care, because they divorced? – I did not understand.
– No, – she waves her hand, – well, as you understand… – Lariska fiddling a button at the collar and is silent.
– And me, – I say, – you love?
– You… – She pulls coldly and thoughtfully, – there is no need about it… If I tell you, then you are perhaps…
And all such alien, detached and incomprehensible sits. Then I thawed like. …In the morning they had breakfast. Sitting. Silent. Then I gathered in my heart:
– But everything seems to be fine with us, you yourself said… What is the matter?
– In nothing, – answers, – it does not matter!
– Well, I can say something, – I say, – she said that you and I have no secrets!
– This is not a secret, but just does not concern you – but she looks aside herself.
– I may have my own personal life or I have to report to you?
– No, – I say – of course, do not report, but it also concerns me too! This is my business too!
And he took her hand, turned to him. She jerked, pulls her hand. I hold it.
– Let go, – shouts, – immediately!
Let go. They were silent. How to explain to her?
– You understand, – I say, – we always told each other. Why do we have to deceive, I did nothing to you!
I see her penetrated. We were silent again. Turned, looks.
– You are sure that you want?
– Yes.
– Good, – and sat down, hugging her knees.
I thought. Well, then suddenly laid out:
– I thought it had passed it, but here… I love him… He was so beautiful, so big. Mother did not look at all compared to him. Fit, always in a clean shirt. And it smelled of him wonderful. When his mother introduced him to Pavel Vasilyevich, he laughed. Yes, so great, so beautiful, the mother herself burst out, although she tried to build a serious physiognomy. And then, a week later, he says that I can call him as I want – at least a dodge. And again laughs. Well, I remoded him in my daddy. I was already going to the seventh grade then, I turned fifteen – so he gave me French perfume and earrings with selenite for my birthday. Wow, how beautiful – no one has such! And brought champagne himself. Then we gathered with friends and girls, and we agreed with our parents that they would go to the cinema. The boys, of course, brought wine slowly – "so that no one can guess". But here is champagne! Yes, even company! Here dad gives! Mother was screaming – they say, early for them, and he was her "Why it’s early? It’s time!" And he opened himself. "The first toast, – says, – the father must say". And to me: "Be happy, kitten! " They drank with their mother and left…
Well, by that time, of course, I already twisted school novels with notes, cinema and ice cream, and tried to smoke. And she kissed the boys, hugged, but she usually did not allow anything like that, because she once tried it – and did not like it. This is in a pioneer camp, when in the fifth grade was. There in KIS CIS and in "chamomile" They played at night;And in the gazebo date was appointed, love letters wrote. Nonsense is all, of course, and childhood. So it seemed to seem to be nothing, and from pimples on the face is useful, they say. But boys, they are just some idiots, and, as my friend Marina said (her adults called a bad girl), they have less pleasure than from raw carrots. True, I myself did not do this, so I don’t know. But stupid acuteness is for sure. Galle, shove, some angular. In s -frail shirts with dirty collars and pimples on the forehead. Ugh! And Pashka has a movement, like a strong large beast, and such a voice – goosebumps run around the ridge, and say there is something to say. He loved me, gave all sorts of things award. And I just adored him. Yes, did not see each other, so I am with a run to his chest – jump! He will pick me up, but how he will spin! I will bury in my neck and whisper: "The folder, cute"… And he laughs and kisses my head, and claps in the back. – "Shit without me, pig?" And in the ear it grunts softly to me. Once painted me in the workshop – only my hair is not dark, but for some reason pink. "I see that," – speaks. It seems to be joking, but the face is serious, such that everything is freezing inside, I blush, and I want to take my eyes off. After that, I painted red – closer to pink. My mother strove to delight me – to stay with Pashka, and I was harmful, everything spite her in spite. Well, he always stood up for me…
Last summer we were by the lake – they shot the cottage. One morning, my mother left for work, and I froze upstairs in her room (it was raining, it was damp and cold) – and went down. To Pashka in the bed climbed – he was a day off. And he sleeps like a big child, hugged a pillow, and his face is so kind, defenseless. Warm all, like a stove. I crawled up and pressed to him, and he hugged me in a dream. My heart was clogged at once, it swelled in your temples. And Pashka jerked, muttered something and buried on my cheek. I kissed him – I don’t know how it turned out. He does not open his eyes, smiles half asleep. Well, I remembered how Marina taught me to kiss – so that the tongue moved like a sting, and she had a kissing him. On the lips. And then she took his hand and put it on her chest. Then he finally woke up, stared at me and raised himself. In surprise, he says: "What are you! Ah crafty girl!" But the face is not at all angry, and I – to curse his neck! And hung when he leaned in his hands. And again she kissed. Well, then he bent his hands, sank, and pressed me to the bed with his whole body. And then he kissed too. Yes, it’s so sweet that my breath caught in my stomach, below, it immediately became warm. And when he fell off a little on the side and ran a hand from the throat to the navel (and the hand is so tender! but clings to the nipple), I even trembled all – and my teeth pounded. She was only able to moan in some other people’s hoarse voice: "More…" And his hand, clutching to her, pushed below his stomach… Then I don’t remember well – I woke up, and he shakes my shoulders and looks into my face. Concerned. I was only able to smile with all my strength (the whole body was breaking and ached sweetly) and I say: "Thank you…" – So the heroine did in some film. I also managed to say so that no one was a word, otherwise my mother would kill me. And then fell asleep. He put his hand instead of an answer on my head. Then, I remember, he still woke me up – gave some kind of pill and a glass of water… Everything went on in a dream, I wanted to sleep forever…
I woke up after dinner. Something was torn inside – everything turned out to be too big for me. (Then I walked for another week, trying to wider my legs wider and at times cringing in pain). There was lunch on the table, and Pashka left for the workshop.
The next night, when I just imagined that he would sleep with his mother tomorrow, I almost died of jealousy. And then she hung up on my dad and smiled at him that my mother looked strangely. And she asked why I would shine like a samovar. Pashka, apparently, tried to avoid me. For a week he succeeded. Finally, I caught him when he, sitting in a boat, went fishing, and we first swimmed on a small island in reeds (from a boat to a clearing I rode on the broad shoulders of my dad).
Then he took me back. I was cured of feverish excitement and causeless smiles and mixes. He became gentle and no longer resisted my harassment – I said that otherwise I would walk with anyone (I, of course, lied) or I would tell everyone everything. However, it was already unimportant – Pashka admitted that he also loves me. But sometimes I felt so unhappy that I cried bitterly and hopelessly at night, I myself do not know what.
When the summer ended (the happiest summer in my life), we moved home and the tension intensified. After a series of scandals, the mother, apparently, guessed about something or just her character is so heavy, perhaps – they divorced with Pashka. I was forbidden to meet him. I went to his workshop. Moreover, he called me (almost every day) and asked – he could not live without me! I treated me to impossible delicacies – I loved to cook for me. And he was sadly joking that in view of the lack of talent, it would be better for him to go to the cook. Even when I could not, he squeezed me and kissed me. And then he forced him to do with him rather nauseating for me (not yet used to) things, convincing that it is, on the contrary, delicious. I understood, of course, that it was very French, that he was only from the bathroom (there was everything in the workshop), but I was mutated. I had to put a cup with strong coffee with cognac nearby so that I could drink the whole thing in the continuation of the session. Usually he sat leaning back on the couch, under a carpet with tigers on the wall, and I was kneeling in front of him (there was also a fluffy brown carpet on the floor). His distorted face was just under the face of a grinning tiger. When my weekly regular illness passed, a beloved goneet, taking me out of a foaming fragrant bath and wrapping me in a huge blue towel, carrying my beloved daughter, pressing her beloved daughter to my chest. On a wide raft, forcing me to lie down and raise the ass, he impatiently lubricated everything with fragrant oil everything that was there. And then, after ordinary preludes and collapses, with his sharp rough tongue literally screwed inside me (though not just where I could expect!) Until I disassembled me, and I did not start to moan and stuck out my ass even more tightly… At the same time, tears poured from my eyes, everything was blurred, I was shy about the convulsions of indescribable pleasure… Then, after everything, it was often a shame, I repelled him, cried, scolded it with a pervert and an old lecher, while he was brewing dumplings. He soon married again – he had nowhere to live, he had no apartments and registration, only the workshop. And his vile young wife and her daughter could not stand me. When I called, they invariably replied that Pavel Vasilyevich was not at home. About then, despite all the possible and impossible tricks, and became pregnant. After the doctors, hospitals, tears of the mother – all these horrors – I decided that you should no longer be in this old, careless and false lecherous. We quarreled hard. He seemed to be also glad to get rid of me – he was afraid of new complications, a vile coward! A month later I could not stand it – it "not at home". It’s clear. Then more and more, and with the same success. Once I quite clearly heard how he told his daughter Valentina: "Tell her that I’m not at home". I went the same evening to the workshop and, knocking the windows with a couple of bricks, ran away. The next day, he called himself and offered to meet. I had enough for three days. Since then I have put up with him and parted again. Before we met, I quarreled with him again… And yesterday he called… I said that we have nothing to talk about, and he complained about his stomach, that the artistic council was cutting his interiors again, that Valka was cooking badly. Today will call again. I felt so sorry for him, I realized that I could not get anywhere… That’s just his Valentine – a bastard, and a dinochka (his daughter) – a moron, his nose turns back. Wow, I hate them…
She fell silent and somehow drooped, and I was sitting stunned, silently. Then he swallowed from the glass – we drank German vermouth. She suddenly started up:
– I guess I told you in vain, you will despise me, but I did not want to deceive you, you are a good guy and I don’t… Well, in general. I want you to know… But this, ”she spoke expressively with her hand,“ we will no longer have…
– But how is it… Well, why are you then, well, in the basement, I chose me?
The voice trembled with some stupid and desperate hope. She hesitated:
– Well… You just do not be offended, but you are the least… Well, in general, everything is fast and poisonous, and these, like real men. I knew that you were so good…
I haven’t heard any further. In my opinion, I then walked a little-I remember something flowed down my face, I ran up the stairs, although the elevator was free, and she stood in the doorway of the apartment and held my scarf in her hands. But I could no longer return… The staircase jumped down, and more and more spans stood between us, the walls spread into an endless greenish carpet. Like vile and flat cardboard decorations, the niches of the garbage chute, tanks for food waste, blurry and pale similarities of people flickered. The gaze was able to stop only on the front door of the front door. After a moment, he approached, then for a split second grew, closed the entire field of vision and suddenly disappeared – instead of him splashed a sharp pain in his shoulder and knee. The sky and the thick foliage of trees fell upon me, passers -by moved silently – I was on the street.
It was painful in my head, swelling, roaring on one note, silence pressed on the ears. I could not say for sure: whether I really spoke to her now, or does it all just seem to me. Suddenly the courtyard and trees swayed and fell to one side – I turned my foot on the step (why is it here?), and this concussion put everything in its place. I heard the barking of a dog jumping around the sandbox, where the equanimous peanut sprinkled it with sand from the scoop, and the noise of the crown of the big poplar, and clapping the door of the car at the dry cleaning in the yard. The world frozen in a cramp again set in motion. The tension released me, I sighed freely and suddenly realized that I was many, many years old, that I am already completely different and even my thoughts are not the same half an hour ago. And I also realized that, unfortunately, it’s too late, too late, nothing is impossible for me – I’m already dead. And then my body went home…
Like this. At first he tried to see her, called, thought, maybe he would still form. No. Nothing. Or can lower all these tablets into the toilet? Spit? There are so many around! I understand, everything will still be. But how disgusting to look at yourself in the mirror! I visited the basement – put a bottle, and everything was settled. And the girls came, all the way, but what all this is nonsense! I feel – I don’t need all this. Do not need anything. And only she is needed. One. The former. So there is no need to postpone. Soon the mother will come, but talking to anyone already has no strength… The glass shines, the glass is already, however, some kind of bluish, and the pills are white, they seem uneven behind the glass… It’s time… Bubble in the glass is beautiful… like a glass dog that Lariska has (this is it (!) did in his muffle) behind the glass of the sideboard… Yes, it’s time…
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