It is difficult to say something definite about a person who himself is confused in his thoughts and desires. It’s easier to talk about not even what attracted him in this life, but about the fact that he really wanted to find attractive. In such a situation, you can refer to Freud, who defined a lot through sex and connected everything else with him. Of course, a person has always been and is and, I am sure, will be vicious in his motives, especially if they are caused by his instinct. Instinct, as you know, is primitive and carries the devilish temptation in all respects, especially in sex. Everyone knows their secret impulses well, which they ask out, but which restrain themselves, realizing their unnaturalness of morality. Therefore, weak -willed people either roll to baseness and turn into vulgar animals, justifying themselves as soon as they can, or they bear everything in themselves and leave there forever, without releasing, but continuing to succumb to temptation, or completely forget about it.
Forgive my such a long introduction, since it was necessary for me to justify what I intend to write, because this applies to me and I regard everything lower as a kind of confession. Since I do not believe in God, especially in what they are trying to impose on us, and therefore I have the audacity to write this thing, and I confess to people, I am sure that no worse than me and the same, probably, vicious.
Since childhood, I, like many, experienced great interest in everything that is commonly called intimate. Vulgarity, if I may call it, was my second I, but had certain features characteristic only of my vulgarity. In some respects, this could be like vulgarity as such, especially in childhood, but when you grow, it begins to acquire individual features.
At five or six years, I experienced great excitement at the thought that they could see me naked, even no matter who (although, in this case, I mean my peers) – a boy or a girl, but, of course, in the case of the opposite sexIt looked more tempting. Once, led by an uncontrollable whim, I invited one familiar (she was 7-8 years old, while I was 6) to her home, telling her that I would take off her underpants. She agreed, I don’t know why… Since he was then very small and could not think about the consequences of the one more in such moments, it led to the fact that then she walked and told everyone that she saw. Shame was of course reckoning, but he did not stop me. Well, not to mention games in the “doctors” in children’s companies, in which we did not miss the opportunity to play, I have done the same time until 9 (of course, now with the condition of reciprocity). Without croaking, I will also say that before this age (somewhere in a year) I also dealt with nonsense and with peers of the same sex as I am, but I do not want to discuss this. It should be said that it was really spontaneous childhood vulgarity, where I happened to try oral sex… I knew little about him, unlike my friend. Actually, I agreed without thinking, again in the crazy battle of whims and reason. After I generally lost interest in this… That was the reckoning… years up to 14. I generally aversion to everything that concerned sex, because all this reminded me of that case.
Then the times of a kind of maturation came and everything was not alien to the rest were not alien and to me. I will tell you right away – I am a heterosexual and thank God, I managed to clarify this while still a child. End of the ninth grade, I am almost 15. I have never kissed. And I always envied those who described my experiences with this related. I was not particularly pretty: thin, not yet formed ugly duckling, I could never find a common language with a girl to whom I had sympathy, but there were so not many of them (I was too voting).
1.
We passed an English exam at school. I handed it well – at 4, and was very happy with the result. My friends were snowying a whole bouquet of different assessments: one 5, two other 3. But since the last two are accustomed to such sad outcomes, this did not particularly upset them, and we went to celebrate the passage of the exam. Our classmates joined us. We smoked a little and drank. Then it turned out that they left home, and with us (there were four of us) left one of them. I must say the best. Her name was Tanya. Actually, I tried to take care of her in the class seventh, but nothing came of it.
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